Day 46: Sleep is good.

Wednesday, September 27th

Today has been such a wonderful day! Colby has been sleeping like a champ which means that for the first time in over a year, I have gotten a full nights' sleep on a regular basis. This morning I even woke up before him and got a shower in, just like normal people do!

We both got a nap this morning and after lunch we went to the park. Colby had a blast playing around on the equipment and surprised me by going down the little slide all on his own! He would climb up to it, sit down, push off, and get off the slide like a big kid. I was so amazed and really freaked out at first. We met some kids there and I got a chance to talk to another mom. She told me of some good places to take Colby, so that was nice!

This mom and I got on the topic of our city. She was telling me how much she loves it here and how beautiful it is, and I absolutely 100% agree with her. When I told her that our families live only about an hour away, she said, "Oh, that's not so bad!" Which really got me thinking. No, it really isn't so bad. I mean, so many people live thousands of miles from their families and here I am complaining about living an hour away?! It almost seems silly.

Really, I think that the reason why I want to move so bad is because right now we are in this state of limbo. We're in an apartment which is obviously a temporary living place. I hate temporary. Maybe if we had a house up here I wouldn't be itching to move so bad. But then again maybe I would! My problem right now is that I think we will be moving in the next year or less and I don't want to make really good friends with anyone up here because I know we're only here temporarily. This makes me more lonely in the short run, but saves me from losing friends in the long run, ya know what I mean? Plus, if I do become really good friends with someone up here and we do move, then I'll want to continue to see that friend and end up driving up here all over again. It totally defeats the purpose!

Okay, so I'm over-thinking things. Oh well. It's not like I'm sheltering myself from meeting people. We will be attending MOPS this year and there are lots of moms there to make friends with, and I love talking to other moms at the playground. I guess whatever happens, happens, right?

I just scheduled an appointment to donate plasma! I'm excited and a little bit nervous. I know it's a lot more involved and painful than donating blood, but I know that it helps people out. Alright, so that isn't the first reason why I'm doing it. I get paid $15 for the first donation of the week and $30 for the second. So it's a win-win situation! I help other people out, and I help us out too!

Alrighty, Colby's up from his nap and I should start thinking about dinner. I can't believe this week is half over!

Day 45: What a weekend!

Monday, September 25th

I am a little sad that the weekend is over! It was SUCH a blast. First off, Colby's party went off without a hitch. I was really worried that something would go wrong or that he wouldn't like his cake, silly stuff like that. Turns out I had absolutely nothing to worry about and it all went well! Everyone arrived around 1 and left by 4. My cousin Leslie and her family couldn't make it until 4, so we fired up the BBQ again and kept the party going! It was nice because I wasn't ready to stop partying. Plus, I hadn't really had a chance to eat the whole day because I was running around doing other stuff, so I got to have a burger!

Sunday was completely freakin' awesome. My dad had some work he had to do, so I got to take his ticket to the Seahawks/Giants game. It was off the hook! Because of all of the press about artificial noise being pumped through the speakers at Qwest field the crowd retaliated with some serious cheering and jeering. Clint is really hoarse today, and I have a sore throat. It was totally worth it, though!

Before the game Mike, Clint, Jesse and I hit the tailgate area early. I mean, we were drinking by 10am. I have NEVER drank that early! I ran into a couple of the bartenders from my former restaurant which was nice. They hooked us up with our first beers of the morning!

Anyway, the game was a total riot. I wish I could go to more, but I'm happy with getting tickets when people want to give them up. Mike's giving me his ticket to one of the Monday night games too! I'm so excited!

So, now my little man is one. I am so excited to watch him grow up! I am excited to have my body back for at least another year or two. To tell you the truth, I can kinda see why people only have one baby. I mean, you give your body up for 9 or 10 months. Then you go through the hell of labor and delivery along with recovering from it. Followed by another year or so of very little sleep, breastfeeding, and depression over the fact that your body will never be the same again. Don't get me wrong, it is completely 100% worth it, but it does suck at times. I am excited to do it all over again, just not yet.

I got another wind of really wanting to live down south this weekend. It was so nice seeing all of our friends and family. It makes me sad! When I'm up here, I feel like I don't have any friends, but down there I have SO many fun people to hang out with and many of them have babies around Colby's age. I told Clint we should just move before he gets a transfer and he can commute to and from work every day. I mean, he'd be going against traffic, so that'd be a plus! But still, it'd be over an hour of driving and that's not fair to him, especially during tax season.

Every time I wish we lived down south again, I remind myself that it will suck at first. We're planning on moving into my parent's studio apartment for a couple of months, and that is going to be very interesting with a 1 year old. I have no idea where we're going to put his crib, and when he goes to sleep, we're going to have to sleep too! Unless we stick him in the bathroom and shut the door... I'm only kidding. Kinda.

Anyway, I'm going to get going. I'm still pretty tired from the weekend, and new shows are premiering tonight! Sweeeet. Fall is so awesome.

Hope everyone has a great week! Go HAWKS!

Day 44: Emotional Wreck

Thursday, September 21st

Alright, so maybe the term "emotional wreck" is slightly over-dramatic, but I am emotional none-the-less. I can't believe my baby is going to be 1 in a little more than 24 hours! *Sniff!* It makes me sad that a year ago I had a little bundle that I cuddled and snuggled and that little bundle is now a big boy. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely stoked to watch him grow up. Being a mom is by far the most exciting, wonderful, amazing experience, but it is also completely exhuasting and sometimes sad. I love every day that I wake up and get to watch Colby discover the world.

I went to order his cake today and as I pulled out of the parking lot I shed a tear. Later I tortured myself by watching A Baby Story and seeing a baby born. That was me just a year ago! Time flies so fast. Then, just now, I pulled his smash cake out of the oven and it got me all choked up. That's my little boy's first cake! (Okay, second since he had a bite of cake at Sage's birthday party.) My little boy who is growing up before my eyes. The little boy who now asks "What's that?" constantly (although it sounds more like "Uh dat?"). The little boy who is more interested in tupperware and playing in the dirt than snuggling with his mom. The little boy who no longer breastfeeds and wouldn't have time for it anyway. (Things to do, people to see, you know.) The little boy who is now a bona-fide toddler and will soon take the title of big boy.

*Sigh.*

I think that right now I am mourning the baby I once held because he isn't quite a year old yet. I think that once Saturday is over and done I will be over this emotional hump and looking forward to the toddler years. (Ha!)

So, in tribute to Colby's first birthday, I thought I'd post my birth story. There is a much, much longer version of this, but I figured it would be pretty boring for most audiences, so this is the summary.

Colby was due on 9/13, our 2nd anniversary. That day came and went with no sign of Colby, but a raging case of PUPPPs for me! On 9/20 I went to the doc and he scheduled me to be induced that night, as I was HUGE and extremely uncomfortable from the itching. They admitted me at about 7pm and started me on Cervidyl. I had a few contractions, but nothing progressed. The next morning they gave me Cytotec because the Cervidyl didn't work. At about 5pm I still wasn't in labor, and they sent me home. I kept a strong face, but I was absolutely crushed. Our nurse gave me a big hug and assured me that she thought I'd be in labor before my next scheduled induciton on 9/26.

The next morning I was still experiencing contractons from the Cytotec, and they turned into real labor. I went back to the hospital at 3pm. Thank goodness the nurse who had discharged us the day before was still there, because at 2cm I probably shouldn't have been admitted. I think she felt bad for me! I also got an epidural within 15 mins of arriving. WOHOO! I labored through the night and early in the morning the epidural started wearing off on my right side and I started throwing up.

At 6am I started pushing. Colby wasn't coming down like he should and I could feel his head pushing against the right side of my pubic bone. Ouch. The longer I pushed, the more I puked. They finally upped my epidural and gave me something to control the nausea. I remember asking Clint if I was going to die, he assured me I wasn't. I pushed for 3 hours and then was sent for a C-Section because of Colby's failure to decend.

At 10:42am on Friday, September 23rd Colby Tanner was born weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 5oz with a big 'ol head. No wonder he wouldn't come out!

Happy birthday my sweet little boy with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. I love you more than life itself and I am so excited to watch you grow and see the person you become. You are amazing.

Day 43: A new day.

Tusday, September 12th

All-in-all, yesterday was pretty good! Colby and I met Clint for lunch at Starbucks and then went to walk around the mall. At about 5pm my mom and brother showed up and we had pizza and Dairy Queen ice cream cake (my favorite) and just hung out. Clint brought home these really pretty orange flowers for me, along with a card that started with "To the woman I'd marry all over again." He melts my heart.

The only problem with yesterday was my mood. I watched TV in the morning about all of the 9/11 stuff and didn't turn it off until we met Clint for lunch. I knew I shouldn't, but I watched it and got sad. That stuck with me all day and I couldn't shake it. I was so down and depressed. That's how has been the last 5 years, though, so I guess I should just get used to it. I feel silly being so depressed on that day because I didn't know anyone involved in the attacks and I have never even been to NY, let alone the WTC. But, for some reason when I see those images it brings all of those horrible feelings back to me and I can't get rid of them. By yesterday evening, I found myself wishing the day was over already. How sad is that?

But, today is a new day. The weather is beautiful and I have so much to be thankful for. Today is going to be wonderful.

To Do:

1. Enjoy today

2. Laundry

3. Empty Dishwasher

Day 42: Proud to be an American.

Monday, September 11th

Today is the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I will never forget that day as long as I live. Here's an entry from my journal from the day after the tragedy. It was the first page in a brand new journal.

Dear journal,

Ya know, I really don't like to start things off on a sad note, but really, there's no way around it: my life, and the lives of every American has been changed.

I woke up earlier than normal yesterday for a couple of reasons. First, the sun was shining and I was getting really hot, and second, it was my 19th birthday. Needless to say, no onewill ever forget my 19th birthday, even if they didn't know I exist. I went downstairs and got on the internet to check on my bids on e-bay. My mom called to wish me happy birthday and asked if I had heard the news. Of course at this point, thoughts were racing through my head. "Who do I know that died??" Don't ask me why, maybe it was the tone of her voice, but I knew it invoved death-whatever happened. She told me to turn on the news, and it really didn't matter which channel, because all but 3 had the news. I watched in horror as a tape showed me over and over the planes crashing into New York's World Trade Center buildings and a portion of the Pentagon. I watched it over and over and never could I conceive the tradgedy that was unfolding. I was sad and angry, confused and felt hopeless. I wanted to help, but couldn't. I wanted to rescue people from that hell, but couldn't.

I had an extremely rough night last night. I listened to Delilah on 106.9 and her entire program was dedicated to mourning. She played the song Proud to Be An American and for the first time in this whole ordeal, I cried. I went to my parents house to have cake with my family and my mom wasn't doing too well. Her surgery didn't work and she's still in pain. She started crying and asked my dad to take her to her parent's house. I left then, it was all too much.

So, as is usually the case, I escaped to Clint's house. There, I cried because the effects of the day had began to sink in. Clint's mom handed me a birthday card; she had tears in her eyes. The card read, "Lindsay, you are such a special person and an important part of our family. We love you very much!" At that, the waterworks really started to flow and she gave me a hug and cried too.

With my dad and Corey at the land and my mom at my grandparent's house, and with all of the events of the day, I really didn't want to go home. Clint's parents let me stay the night and I was so grateful.

.. two days later I included this:

You can't get away from the news, the images and sounds on TV. You want to turn off the TV and forget about it, but there's this almost perverse attraction to the screen, the pictures of the ruble, people crying and showing pictures of relatives they have yet to find, not knowing if they're alive or not. Maybe you do snap out of the trance and change the channel, but it's only a matter of time before you find yourself back watching the news. It's not that you're entertained by the images, or enjoy seeing them at all, but there's this feeling of anticipation that something's going to happen. Maybe it'll be something good, like they find all 4,763 missing people alive and well, or even just one person. Then again, maybe something bad will happen, like more buildings collapse, or they call off the search for survivors. Either way, you end up watching.

-------------------------------------------------

So today is my 24th birthday. I always look forward to my birthday, but since that day, it has been bittersweet. I tell myself I'm not going to watch TV, but I always do. I tell myself I'm not going to cry, but I always do. Those images just make me so sad, and I know they always will.

We don't really have anything planned for the day. I'm going to get pizza for dinner: Garlic Chicken (my favorite). I think Clint's planning on taking me to dinner on Saturday night, so that will be nice. I'm super tired today because Colby didn't sleep well last night, so I'm just hoping for a nap and a shower. :o)

Hope everyone has a great week!

To do:

1. Enjoy birthday!

2. Nap.

3. Shower.

Day 41: September has arrived.

Tuesday, September 5th

Wow. It's already September, can you believe it?! Kids are going back to school and it feels like summer just started. Actually, I take that back, it has felt like a very long summer, but in a good way!

I am excited for the seasons to change. With every new season comes a new beginning. New weather, new opportunities, new... clothes! Okay, so maybe that's why I want it to get just a little bit colder outside. My mom took me shopping last weekend and got me an incredibly cute outfit. (Another early birthday present!) It's awesome because the outfit I got from Jenny is casual and the outfit from my mom can be casual or slightly dressy. I'm all set for warmer weather!

This week is going to be fantastic. Friday I get to see Kristen, who was my absolute best friend growing up. She lives in California and I haven't seen her since graduation in 2001. We are two totally different people, but that's what's fun about getting together with her. Plus, her family was basically my second family growing up and I'll get to see them on Saturday at her brother's wedding reception. Fun times!

I was reading through my journal last night. This time last year I was extremely pregnant and praying to go into labor, but not on my birthday. I kept saying in my journal that I was bored and just hanging around home, sleeping and watching TV. I wrote that I knew I was going to miss those days of peace and quiet and boredom once Colby was born. What's funny is that I really don't miss it. I hate being bored! And anyway, I do get peace and quiet when Colby goes down for naps. I would be miserable if I was at home with nothing to do. Granted, I know that he'll start napping less and start being louder and even more active than now, so maybe in the near future I will want some peace and quiet, but right now I'm a-o-k! I love that my day is spent entertaining, and being entertained by, Colby. There's nothing better in this world than hearing that little boy laugh.

Colby breakthrough: he will sit and read books. Well, only two books right now. See, any time I usually try to sit with him and read, he gets fussy and wants to go play. But, our friend Sage gave him two Feel 'n Learn type books called That's not my bunny... and That's not my tractor... where on each page you see why that isn't the right thing because something is too soft, or scratchy, or rough... It's great!

Anyway, the little monster has just woken up from his nap, so I should feed him some lunch! Have a great week!

To Do:

1. Buy Stamps

2. Groceries

3. Walk